Monthly Archives: August 2010

In search of the right Alpha male, or Disney lies!!!


Beth and I had an interesting conversation the other day about alpha and beta males. The topic came up in a weird roundabout way like most of our convos do (we went from “is your ring finger longer than your index finger” to this topic. I’ll give you a home-made breadloaf of your choice if you can guess how. You don’t count, Beth!!!), but it got me thinking about the men in my life and what women classically say they want. Women want a man who talks about feelings and his past, who’s sensitive, who compromises, who’s an equal partner in the relationship, who thinks with his brain and not his head. But really, these are mostly characteristics of a beta male, and as Beth, being the classy broad that she is, put it, “No one wants to fuck a beta.”

So I started thinking. Most of the guys that I’ve had the strongest attractions to have been classic alphas–leaders, charisma, physically appealling, dominate, walled off. These are also the men that have hurt me deepest wtih lasting scars–the type that make me run into the arms of a beta. But the thing is, I’m not happy there either. All the alphas I’ve dated have left me, but with all the betas I’ve dated, I left them. I’m too much of a beta female to keep an alpha male’s attention for long, but I’m too much of an alpha female in comparison to a beta male. I just don’t seem to work with either type of men! And I’m inclined to blame men and Disney at this point. Men because they’re so black & white, and Disney because it gave me unrealistic expectations about men.

Women aren’t nearly as definitive as men when it comes to being either an alpha or a beta. I feel like a pretty good blend of these two categories: I can lead when I need to; I’m bitchy when I need to be; I’ve got the bust-waist-hip ratio to set off men’s “she’ll bear me healthy sons” instincts, but I also like to be submissive, nurturing, and sensitive. It’s a lot harder for me to pinpoint which of my girlfriends are alpha or beta. But it’s easier than a blond with a tramp stamp to classify the men in my life as one or the other. Why is it that they’re so black and white? Maybe I’m just a bitter, man-hating rhymes-with-runt (which a bitter beta called me just last week), but I can’t seem to find a balance of the two catergoies in men. They’re either assholes or pussies. And frankly, I don’t want either.

And Disney, way to go with screwing up an entire generation of women’s expectations of their partners. Every single prince is a strong alpha male with a sweet soft side for the princess. He rules a country with charisma and a winning smile, but he also likes romantic gentle boat rides. He’s a wise-cracking, loner who goes all lovey mushy at one peek of a disguised princess’ eyes under her head wrap. He’s an adventuring explorer, but not a conquerer and repects the native people. He’s a beast who’s heart melts to the first person to stand up to him. He’s uninterested and bored with all the women introduced to him at a ball until he sees one just wandering in the distance. I haven’t watched Sleeping Beauty or Snow White enough to tear them apart as well, but I’m sure the princes are just as improbable as all the others. These types of men just don’t exist!!! And don’t give me that crap about reality vs fiction. When every single leading Disney man is the same impossible blend, it sends a message. The only “prince” that comes close to actually being realistic is Simba, and he’s not even human!!! In my experience, if he first appears to be a beast, he is a beast, and he doesn’t really have that warm, soft, mushy place inside where he keeps his feelings all locked away just waiting for the right girl. If he’s a smart-ass, lone wolf, he may be fun for awhile, but he’ll go back to his solitary ways sooner or later.

So, I guess this is all just one instinct-driven reason to stay single. It won’t stop me from making eyes at that toned, pierced, and angsty looking stud on the Metro though. *drools* Lord, I love those angsty alphas.

In which you should always be polite to dragons

Recently, I re-read one of my favorite intermediate series: The Enchanted Forest Chronicles by Patricia C. Wrede. The first book is Dealing With Dragons, and explores the life of Cimorene, a princess who is very tired of being lectured on “proper” princess behavior. She runs away to be a dragon’s princess because she can’t take dancing, sewing, or etiquette lessons any longer. Throughout the books we meet a peculiar cast of characters including Kazul the dragon, Telemain the magician, Morwen the witch, and Morwen’s nine cats. Honestly, the cats might be my favorite characters.

There are several reasons why I love these children’s books so much and keep reading them, but I won’t go into full detail in just one blog post–it would be more like a 20 page paper! One of the reasons is that it’s very to the point. There’s no unnecessary details or fluff, but at the same time we still get rich backstory and characters. In just one chapter, we quickly realize how uncommon Cimorene is, how dreadfully common and proper her parents are, and that something must be done or else she’ll end up having to marry a silly prince who only wants to talk about tourneys. By the second chapter, Cimorene’s journey has begun. And the pace keeps up thoroughout the books. Each chapter has a similar problem/solution set up that leads one after another. Now this may sound very simple and boring, but it’s actually quite genius how Wrede pulls it off. The extraordinary humor and wit on each page helps as well.

All of the characters are very likable as well (er, the ones you’re supposed to like at least). Morwen is my favorite. She’s a tart little witch with nine cats and a sign that says “None of this Nonsense, please” above the door of her tidy little house. And she’s very much a no nonsense character which is where most of her humor comes from–that and the one-sided conversations with her cats. Kazul is a very practical dragon with a dry sense of humor. Cimorene is a princess who is extremely bored with proper princess skills and wants to learn things like fencing, magic, Latin, and how to make cherries jubilee. She’s always pointing out people’s faulty logic, especially when they’re doing things just because it’s “proper,” and she’s very helpful to everyone she meets even when she doens’t mean to be–except wizards, of course.

I also adore that all the characters use correct grammar. They say “to whom” when appropriate and “may” instead of “can.” I believe that it’s especially important to get these details right in children’s lit, that way correct English comes more naturally to a younger generation.

And then there are all the quirky things that stick in your head once you’ve read the books. Every chapter title begins “In Which” and then describes it–a trait I often use in blogging and emails now. Soapy water with a hint of lemon melts wizards; not only is it good for cleaning, but it protects you from your enemies! Because of these books, I’ve always thought that a kitchen was cleanest when using lemon scented products. I know, I’m impressionable, but the smell really does just smell cleaner! And whoever heard of a dragon who’s favorite dessert was cherries jubilee?! Also, almost all of the famous fairy tales/nursery rhymes have a cameo in the quartet with a quirky spin on them. McDonald is branching out and growing magic hay for the magic animals that he wants to add to his farm to make things more exotic. Riponzelle really let down a chair, not her hair to haul guests up her tower with no door. And the list just goes on.

Basically, these books are just wonderful in every way imaginable and should be a required bed-time read for all parents and children. Oh, and the most important lesson in the whole series: ALWAYS be polite to dragons.

You People Make Me Sick

Sorry I haven’t posted in a while. I actually have a few drafts that I’m working on and finding appropriate pictures for, but this issue just couldn’t wait for polishing or a picture.

To all the close-minded, Christians out there who are going to march on Washington to oppose gay marriage: Shame. On. You. You people make me absolutely sick. How dare you say that this isn’t similar to racial bigotry?! You’re denying a fellow human being the right to a union with the person he/she loves because of a difference in belief. You’re DENYING EQUALITY to a MINORITY.

If you’re trying to protect the sacred tradition of marriage, then you should also move to make divorce unconstitutional. That seems absolutely ridiculous right? That’s what you sound like protesting gay marriage!

I can barely put sentences together, I’m so angry at the moment. Mostly because of this guy:

“One man and one woman, that’s equality.” FOR REAL DUDE?!?! You might as well just say, “Only white people, that’s equality.” It’s JUST YOUR view of equality. And it doesn’t include everyone, so it’s obviously wrong or flawed in some way or another.

What’s so wrong with love and allowing people to love?!

I’m sorry to all the Christians and conservatives out there who are actually good, loving, open-minded people. Because these people make you all look like idiots. 

Hey Brian Brown, Jesus would be ASHAMED of you.