Tag Archives: Beth

And I’m stronger because of it…

So July 13th is a pretty important day in my life. Not that I really want it to be and not anything that deserves a celebration. Not that kind of important. Important as in the start of hitting rock bottom. One of the major turning points in my life.

Before July 13, 2007 I was a mess. I was deeply depressed, doing poorly in school, cutting myself off from friends, hardly ever leaving my room, sleeping too much, having one night stands, getting high, and getting fat. I’d made a lot of bad choices, and they were catching up with me. But in the spring and summer of 2007, I had started to pick myself up and dust myself off. I wasn’t doing spectacular or anything, but I was doing better. I spent the summer at home, living with my mother and hanging out with my girlfriends. I hadn’t slept with anyone in six months, and I was very proud of that because I really wanted to end my trend of one night stands. I didn’t want to do it anymore because it only made me more unhappy. I was making better choices. If only I had known.

Going out to the hookah bar with your gal pals seems totally harmless right? And then running into an old guy friend you’d known elementary school through high school is also harmless right? Having him join us, smoke and drink with us, catching up on old times. And then he invited us back to his place for a few more drinks.  … If only I’d never gone. If only WE’D never gone. Because if he hadn’t done it to me, maybe it would’ve been one of my friends. And I hate that thought even more than what he did to me. On July 13th, 2007 I was raped by someone that I thought was a friend. In the week following that, I believe I hit rock bottom. Imagine not being able to shower or change clothes without dissolving into tears because being naked seems so painful and venerable. I cried constantly and refused to leave my mother’s house.

Eventually, slowly, I began to heal. My short creative non-fiction story “Second hand” talks about this healing process and the friend that helped me through it. A lot of people helped me through it actually. And writing that piece especially helped me through it.

On July 13, 2008 I tried to plan the most super fun day that I could think of to keep my mind off of what had happened only a year ago. It backfired. The day didn’t live up to my expectations, my friends all cancelled, and I ended up crying in my room most of the day. July 13th, 2009, I was at a summer publishing program with no one that I knew (in fact it was only the third or fourth day of the program). And you don’t wanna start off something like that by going “Hey! Guess what terrible thing happened to me!” So I sat quietly in class, ate lunch alone, and generally avoided people all day. There were definitely some tears that night as I watched the Denver stars, sipping on boxed wine and bottling all my feelings up. edit:hahaha I always forget about Denver for some reason… 2009 is updated/correct now. I probably had a harder time remembering this cause it was sort of my routine behavior in Denver. I know, I’m such an emo when I wanna be.

But July 13, 2010, I went to work, I worked out, I had dinner with my roommate, and I ate cake. I had no expectations for the day. I just wanted to be normal. And for the most part, it was and I was. Beth and I had a long talk that evening about the past and how every single tiny little choice affects us. What if we had gotten a table inside the hookah bar and not out on the patio? Would we have run into that bastard then? Would fate have found another way to put him on my path? Or would that just mean that it would happen to someone else and not to me? Every choice has a great impact on our lives whether we realize it or not.

It has taken me three years, but I’m finally able to say that I wouldn’t change it. It was the most horrible thing that’s ever happened to me in my entire life. But it made me who I am today. And the person that I am today is so much stronger, understanding, selfless, and more compassionate than who I was before. Rock bottom didn’t erase all of my character flaws–I’m certainly not perfect, although there was a time that I’d tell lie after lie to make you think so–but it did smooth out a lot of my rough edges. It’s like Tyler Durden said: “It’s only after you’ve lost everything that you’re free to do anything.” And it’s so true.

I was going to post this reflection on the third anniversary, but I was doing other things and trying to be normal. But I’m doing it now. Because I need to. Because I’m better. Because I’m stronger. And because I took myself out on a solo date–something I’ve never had the guts to do before. Yep, two weekends ago, right before my black anniversary, I took just me onesie out to a movie. Completely alone. And I wasn’t self conscious, and I actually had a good time. Yes, I saw Eclipse and bought a 12 pack of beer because I’m one classy broad like that 😉

Happy anniversary. I’m so proud of you

Hello DC, or “Thoughts on having a roommate”

So, I just moved to Washington DC from Indianapolis, IN. I’m only slightly freaking out from this huge change in my life. Most of my life is still scattered in boxes around the house. But I have my Bethany, so I’m super happy, and I feel like I can handle most challenges that life tosses my way. We just moved in Saturday. And the 10 hour drive was KILLER. My butt was so numb. But I did have my teddy bear on my lap for most of the roadtrip. It was comforting, and we have the same shades, so people kept giving me weird looks. And yes, I do thoroughly enjoy being a weirdo. Normal people are boring.

Tips for long roadtrips:

BE CRAZY!!! It helps the time go by faster. Do things like hang up weird signs in your car or make faces at children in passing cars. Hours of fun.

Flex your butt. It keeps it from going to sleep and maybe you’ll have killer cheeks by the end of the trip!

Water, juice, more water. It keeps you hydrated and alert. It also makes you stop to pee all the time, giving you an excuse to stretch your legs. Don’t drink soda; it makes you pee more and it’ll make you crash.

No guilt snacks: Like pretzels! Low calories so that you can just graze for most of the trips, therefore avoiding gross fast food and giving you something to do.

MUSICALS: They tell a story to keep you entertained and you can sing at the top of your lungs to them in the car cause no one is there to judge you. And I don’t care if other people see me singing and dancing in my car. It’s the one place where I can sing at the top of my lungs without the neighbors getting pissed.

But this post is about having a roommate, not how to roadtrip! I love Beth. We lived together our freshman and sophomore years of college, so we know that we live well together. We have lots of the same tastes and are the same kinds of crazy. We always say that I’m just a figment of her imagination or that she’s just a figment of mine. Most likely, she’s just a figment of mine cause no one can really be as weird as me. But I did just google the last name of the character Jordan from Scrubs while she was in the bathtub because she couldn’t think of Jordon’s surname and it was driving her crazy. We have so many inside jokes… it’s probably dangerous that we’re living together… But it’s so fantastic at the same time.

The best part of living with a roommate again is the balance that comes from a solid friendship. Living with my mother after college was hard because we couldn’t find the right balance between me being a “grown-up” and still being her daughter. But that’s completely gone with Beth (obviously). We’re both equals in the house. Although she is the man/Chandler in our relationship while I am the woman/Joey. And in every post that involves Beth, there will also be numerous Scrubs and Friends references and probably a few from Will & Grace as well. We’re starting a tradition of watching Buffy every Sunday night too because I haven’t seen that series yet. And I’ll probably make her watch Weeds. Yes, we pretty much always have a TV on in the background of whatever we’re doing. We currently have four TVs hooked up in the living room. One for each of us to play video games on, and one to watch TV while we play video games. And that last one… eh, just sort of there. Yes, we are that nerdy. And it’s fantastic. Oh my god tangent! BALANCE. Yes, this paragraph is about balance. She knows about living on her own, while I am the expert on living with lots of people. We both take turns cooking and doing dishes. We both are clean freaks. We both like to sit around in our underwear. I can reach the things on the top shelves because she’s very small. And the biggest way that we balance each other… is that we complete each other’s collections. I have the first Matrix movie and she has the last two. I have most of the Disney movies and she has most of the Fox/Dreamworks/Pixar movies. Our libraries compliment each other very well, and I’m very excited to dive in to her book collection just as she is with mine. And we both sing musicals at the top of our lungs together. And she’s going to teach me how to use public transportation. What!? I’ve lived in the Midwest my whole life, I don’t know how to figure out a bus/metro schedule…

An MS Paint picture that Beth made freshman year of Beth stabbing me in my sleep.

Beth and I have never really had a fight of any sort. Our biggest rift was when I joined a sorority and had to live in the house for at least a year, meaning that I couldn’t live with her all four years of college. She wasn’t enthused about that. We sort of drifted apart junior year because we weren’t living together and I was going through some massive transformations, but we were always friends. I think part of the reason that Beth and I work so well together is that we don’t really fight. If we have a problem, we talk about it, or let it be for a few days and then talk about it. But she’s very mature, chill and really doesn’t get offended easily. I just love this picture that she made for me freshman year. Her caption for it on Facebook was “I DON’T LOVE MY ROOMMATE ANYMORE” and then a whole comment conversation took place about not even giving me hair which led to me somehow being a cancer patient and not deserving hair, and what, cancer patients don’t deserve hair, you’re fucked up, etc. Always good for a laugh. I really wonder what I did to provoke this picture… probably left cheese in the microwave. Beth is not a fan of cheese. I am. Edit: After several text messages guilting me over not remembering why she made this picture and calling me an asshole several times, she told me. Apparently I made an MS Paint picture of her kneeling in front of her at-the-time sort-of-but-not-really boyfriend that said “I will love *insert guy’s name here* for eternity” and posted it on Facebook with tags. Oh MS Paint wars… I miss those… *evil idea* MUAHAHAHA

Anyway, I guess what this long and ramble-tastic post is about is the importance of “sismance.” You know, the opposite of “bromance.” It’s especially important for women to foster close relationships with other women because we fulfill each other in ways that men never will. Ok, now that I sound like a HUGE lesbian, I’m gonna say that I love my roommate and can’t wait to share all the ridiculous stories, situations, and adventures that we’ll get ourselves in to. (And she is a lesbian [most of the time]  btw, so I’m allowed to make lesbian jokes by proxy.) Oh, and I’ll post some pictures of the apartment as soon as it gets unpacked and put away… HAHAHAHAHAHA yeah right, like that’ll ever happen…