Tag Archives: Disney

In search of the right Alpha male, or Disney lies!!!

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Beth and I had an interesting conversation the other day about alpha and beta males. The topic came up in a weird roundabout way like most of our convos do (we went from “is your ring finger longer than your index finger” to this topic. I’ll give you a home-made breadloaf of your choice if you can guess how. You don’t count, Beth!!!), but it got me thinking about the men in my life and what women classically say they want. Women want a man who talks about feelings and his past, who’s sensitive, who compromises, who’s an equal partner in the relationship, who thinks with his brain and not his head. But really, these are mostly characteristics of a beta male, and as Beth, being the classy broad that she is, put it, “No one wants to fuck a beta.”

So I started thinking. Most of the guys that I’ve had the strongest attractions to have been classic alphas–leaders, charisma, physically appealling, dominate, walled off. These are also the men that have hurt me deepest wtih lasting scars–the type that make me run into the arms of a beta. But the thing is, I’m not happy there either. All the alphas I’ve dated have left me, but with all the betas I’ve dated, I left them. I’m too much of a beta female to keep an alpha male’s attention for long, but I’m too much of an alpha female in comparison to a beta male. I just don’t seem to work with either type of men! And I’m inclined to blame men and Disney at this point. Men because they’re so black & white, and Disney because it gave me unrealistic expectations about men.

Women aren’t nearly as definitive as men when it comes to being either an alpha or a beta. I feel like a pretty good blend of these two categories: I can lead when I need to; I’m bitchy when I need to be; I’ve got the bust-waist-hip ratio to set off men’s “she’ll bear me healthy sons” instincts, but I also like to be submissive, nurturing, and sensitive. It’s a lot harder for me to pinpoint which of my girlfriends are alpha or beta. But it’s easier than a blond with a tramp stamp to classify the men in my life as one or the other. Why is it that they’re so black and white? Maybe I’m just a bitter, man-hating rhymes-with-runt (which a bitter beta called me just last week), but I can’t seem to find a balance of the two catergoies in men. They’re either assholes or pussies. And frankly, I don’t want either.

And Disney, way to go with screwing up an entire generation of women’s expectations of their partners. Every single prince is a strong alpha male with a sweet soft side for the princess. He rules a country with charisma and a winning smile, but he also likes romantic gentle boat rides. He’s a wise-cracking, loner who goes all lovey mushy at one peek of a disguised princess’ eyes under her head wrap. He’s an adventuring explorer, but not a conquerer and repects the native people. He’s a beast who’s heart melts to the first person to stand up to him. He’s uninterested and bored with all the women introduced to him at a ball until he sees one just wandering in the distance. I haven’t watched Sleeping Beauty or Snow White enough to tear them apart as well, but I’m sure the princes are just as improbable as all the others. These types of men just don’t exist!!! And don’t give me that crap about reality vs fiction. When every single leading Disney man is the same impossible blend, it sends a message. The only “prince” that comes close to actually being realistic is Simba, and he’s not even human!!! In my experience, if he first appears to be a beast, he is a beast, and he doesn’t really have that warm, soft, mushy place inside where he keeps his feelings all locked away just waiting for the right girl. If he’s a smart-ass, lone wolf, he may be fun for awhile, but he’ll go back to his solitary ways sooner or later.

So, I guess this is all just one instinct-driven reason to stay single. It won’t stop me from making eyes at that toned, pierced, and angsty looking stud on the Metro though. *drools* Lord, I love those angsty alphas.

I don’t wanna grown up, I’m a Toys’R’Us kid…

Maybe we never really grow up, but we just get better at being lame. Think about it. Being an adult definitely has its perks: work (if you like your job), alcohol, pretty clothes and shoes, driving, parties, ice cream for breakfast, cereal for dinner, sleepovers with whatever friends you want. But is also has its suck-fest qualities: work (if you don’t like your job), paying bills, doing responsible things like working out, and not really having ice cream for breakfast. All the things that are great about being an adult stem from our childish desires. And that’s not a bad thing at all. Most children are happier than most adults. So maybe the key to happiness is to handle our adult responsibilities and then revert to our childish ways–pay the bills and then go outside to do cartwheels in the sunshine or shoot some hoops.

There’s an episode of Friends where Rachel is embarrassed to run with Phoebe because Phoebe runs like a kid, arms flailing about, legs every which direction, and a huge grin on her face. Of course, Rachel being the typical adult is incredibly embarrassed at first because people are starring and judging.  Phoebe tells Rachel that she runs like a kid because running was actually fun as a kid. So Rachel tries Phoebe’s way, and she loves it! It’s freeing, and she says she feels so graceful (except that’s when she runs into a horse).  But the point of this tangent is that even adult activities that we lame-down with our adult lame-ness can be rejuvinated with child-like joy if we can let go of our adult insecurities. Who cares who’s staring at us while we run like maniacs?! Let them stare and be jealous because as long as you’re happy, then you’re free!

I particularly enjoy riding bike and going down hills, sticking out my legs to both sides and yelling “YAHOOOOOOOOO” all the way down. Hills are SUCH a new experience for me since Indiana is flat as a pancake. They’re fun to go down, but killer to ride back up. They make exercising fun!

Making drinking games to Disney movies is also another tried and true way to combine your adult and inner child for a night of giggles with friends.

Also, bonus love points to anyone who can sing the full Toys’R’Us song!! Don’t cheat and look it up you bad kids!